My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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