I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
