Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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