You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
