I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize