I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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