My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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