just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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