UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
