So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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