Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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