so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
