Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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