:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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