He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
