I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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