On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
