she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
