A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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