Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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