I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
