Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
