I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
