just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize