Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
