I wanna bring you to show and tell
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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