My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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