I'm going to jail i love you
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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