im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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