A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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