Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
