I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
