There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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