someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
