I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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