I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
