I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
