So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
