I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
