I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm gonna fight the coyote
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
