it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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