I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
