So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
