just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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