finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The air was thick with penises
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Randomize
