just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
