turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
