Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
