I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
