At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
