Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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