i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We got so high we made milksteak
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
