I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Alive.
So much puke
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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