She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
