Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
