You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
