Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
